Thank you for existing and survived, dear myself

May 30th, 2020

I am still in awe, knowing that I’m already 25 by today. Unlike years before, I decided to celebrate my birthday by rewarding myself with a cake. Unlike years before when I was grateful to celebrate it with my friends and/or family, this time I have to celebrate it by myself due to COVID-19 pandemic that happened around the world.

I have learnt so much in my life but this year is special, especially I finally get the chance to do some self-appreciation. I also get the chance to know myself better, make peace with my past self and enjoying what God has given to me so far.

I was used to pleasing others instead of focusing on my happiness. Trying to fit in with an environment that not suits me at all. Following the rules that sometimes may cause internal strife. Shouldering the expectation given to me from everybody who knows me. I never tried to understand what, where and when my limit is.

I always think that fulfilling everybody’s expectation is the best for me. But it turned out to be a disaster, it took a lot of mental damage than I could ever ask for. I spent a half year in the last year, grieving, depressing and even self-blaming because I couldn’t fulfil the expectation given. I went to a psychologist to have a personal consultation about what was happened to me at that time.

Yeah, it was a difficult journey but I know it is worth to enjoy later

In the other side, I want to say thank you to my little, younger and naive self for surviving this gruesome journey. Thank him, I could understand who, why, and what is the purpose of me, being born and existed in this world. I would leave some things unsaid because it is better and also not everyone can understand it.

Aside from that, I am grateful to have friends that know, understand and accept all my strengths and weaknesses. I grow to realise that having too many friends don’t mean they would understand all of your problems. Some of them just want to know and others want to talk about your problem with their friends.

It was devastated but that was the truth, and I always know that too well because I had suffered that since my junior high school.

This year, I am focusing to have a good and deep quality friendship with my closest friends. I also don’t want to waste my energy in dealing with people whose vibe is not compatible with me. I also let people decide and assume my things such as action, sexual orientation, etc. because I think that’s the best for them. It is not my intention to clarify everything they asked and not my duty to satisfy their curiosity.

This year is also been tough in terms of my career. I finished my working experience with a headhunter in Bandung but I didn’t feel any regret as we could keep in touch and have a good and healthy relationship out there. Instead, I learnt that I may be suited to things that fit with my culture, working style and preference. They even checked on my condition, especially finishing in this COVID-19 pandemic, which is hard and more challenging to other job seekers aside from myself.

Overall, my birthday this year is a grateful moment to reflect what I have been through so far. I hope I could be better as an individual and a professional in the future.

Once again, happy birthday and wish you have a blessed journey this year, dear myself.