Me and My Rollercoaster of Emotion
It’s been a while after I wrote a story about things to do before graduate. This time, I would like to share with all of you about my inner journey which offers me a drastic change in how I perceive things, especially problems.
Yeah, problems?
After I finished working as a Human Capital person this August. I was focused on looking for a job that offered a much better experience, knowledge, money, and also welfare.
Yes, WELFARE. I decided to make it in the capital, but it’s true. At the same time, I faced a difficult situation I could never imagine and it shook my core to the bit. But first, let me tell this whole story so you may understand.
Just as explained in this picture, I would love to tell my mental well-being is in a similar situation. I never felt that working in a toxic environment could affect my mental health. I tried to endure all hardships I could feel during the last three months of my working life, but at some point, it affected a lot with my physical health.
I was forced to take a rest for two days and I had to know that my daily allowance for those two days had been cut. I felt so devastated. The longer I tried to endure that situation, the longer I felt so much bitterness inside my head.
I spent my weekends in despair, faking a smile whenever I met people I knew, and even ranting on social media just because I couldn’t hold it up any longer.
After I signed my resignation letter in September, I had to wait for a month or more to get my last paycheck. I felt that I didn’t want to meet and work again with the company ever.
I looked so many jobs I could find, but no avail. I came to the Job Fair, did interview either phone or in-site, and applied from the job portal. All the things I could do to find a new job but no result so far.
I faced another dilemma which I couldn’t tell my family that I haven’t got any job yet. I endured it again, all by myself.
My mental health became even worse than before. I felt so anxious and nervous when it came to everything related to a job seeking. Whether an interview, job announcement, or just looking at the requirements.
It also affected on how I see people. Whenever I looked at people who crossed by, I sensed an intimidating aura that could swallow me anytime soon. It happened unconsciously.
I felt the nervousness and anxiety hit me to the core. I tried to overcome it by myself but to no avail. When I realised that my nervousness became the thing that hindered me in a job seeking I sensed a depression within my soul and laughing to me at the same time.
The biggest and most difficult thing for me to do is looking for help. I was afraid that people were going to mock me for my weak mental fortitude. I admitted to myself that I was no longer okay and I needed help so much.
At the same time, I had realised if I don’t ask people on what I should do my mental health could be in the worst state and even thinking for a suicide. I used social media to ask how I could get help for myself.
Some friends suggested me to go to the public clinic. I tried it but the psychologist there were fully booked until next year, so I had to wait. But I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to do something with my mental problem. I asked another friend of mine the other service I could use.
The friend of mine, a girl, suggested me to use an app named Halodoc. It’s pretty cheap and even free for a first-timer like myself. I looked at the list of Psychologist there and saved some names to be considered for me to chat.
I nervously chatted with the psychologist. And yes, it was the first time for me to do it but I had to. There was nothing else I could afford.
The psychologist told me that mental problem I faced was not severe. He said that it was normal to feel anxious when it comes to a job-seeking. He also suggested me to do things that could help me reduce my anxiety and nervousness.
I felt a little bit better after counselling session and taking note of my mood in an app. I also try to be more realistic, happier, and more patient when dealing with problems. Problems are the one which strengthens and make you more mature in a life journey.
Now I realise that some things I can’t control in life and I have just to embrace it. Looking for help is also needed if you feel that you can’t solve the problem by yourselves.
A message from me, you are not only working to survive but also to be happy and developed. Never force yourself to work whenever you feel it could drain your health, especially mental health.
